November 22nd, 2009

Tags: poetry Subject: writing venture nth Time: 05:46 am

Eyes burning in dead of night Sunken in like a forgotten treasure Pressurized by those Hell depths Light intensified by silhouettes Of an angel, dazed Intertwined in a lysergic bliss Souls connected with a livewire Sparking and crackling Melted before a circuit completes Angels and demons crystallizing, atrophying Writhing to the hissing of fauna In a wood, centuries old Two souls disconnecting Beneathe the artificial light of a sonic voyage

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November 17th, 2009

Subject: Meteora Time: 06:17 am

Josh's girlfriend is intense, I love her. We are watching the sky, vibing to Sigur Ros. I am peaceful.

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November 16th, 2009

Subject: drunk again? YEP! Time: 07:00 am

So, here goes more of my teenage angst I've yet to grow out of (and probably never will). Outside of the people I live with, I have no real friends. Maybe its my constant need to talk to them, which gets misconstrued as clinging or something. The people from McDowell have never put any effort to come see me, except Elizabeth. They all have cars and practically no jobs. They spend their time driving to Charlotte or Asheville to see people they barely know, but can't see someone they've known for years. Its partly my fault. I've become such a fuck up. I do a bunch of drugs, get drunk, stick with my dead end job, etc. The only friend I have up here really is Jeff, and I don't even know what to say about him. Maybe my stupid little fucking crush on him scares him. Maybe he's afraid my lack of self-betterment will rub off on him. I know things are difficult for Simon right now though, so I just hope everyone in his household pulls through. I'm starting to not want to go to school. I can't afford my meds and I have no way of getting to therapy regularly. Its taking its toll on me. I walked home from work, and part way here, I just sat in the middle of the road and cried. I probably looked like a hot mess. I'm losing touch with myself completely. I've gotten to such a point of weakness, that I can't even hope to die. I just want to lay somewhere, put some music on and wait for something, anything, to happen.

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November 13th, 2009

Time: 06:39 pm

I forgot what I was going to put here. Oops.

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November 11th, 2009

Subject: Straight Up Time: 04:23 am

Time to get my life together, I suppose.

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November 7th, 2009

Subject: Raging Kill-Boner Time: 06:36 am

I am a total liar. I'm not out of my teen angst. I'm so full of it. I love this fucking thing because no one uses LJ anymore so I can more or less say what I want. I'm sure my rampant self-pity is pissing everyone off. But since when have I ever been someone to give a fuck? Never is the answer to that, in case you were unsure.

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November 6th, 2009

Subject: WTFUCK Time: 07:20 am

I am watching some dumb movie with my Josh, Ethan, and Austin. I have been up all night. Randomly messaging people. I am pretty sure that Jeff has just taken to ignoring me. Maybe because I tend to send him messages while fucked up. Or maybe just because he doesn't want anything to do with me. If that's the case, then, fuck. I hope it is just that he's been busy. I want to see him soon. I've been getting in contact with friends I haven't talked to since I moved. It sucks they are all so far away. 11 weeks and 3 days til probation is over.

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November 3rd, 2009

Subject: random music shit i always do Time: 09:11 am

Open your music player and fill out the survey. How many songs? 13,636 Sort by title First song: "A-OK" by Motion City Soundtrack Last song: "9mm and a Three Piece Suit" by Streetlight Manifesto Sort by time Shortest song:"Prologue" by My Ruin. 6 seconds Longest song: "The Diamond Sea (Extended Version)" by Sonic Youth. 25:49 Sort by album First album: A'arab Zaraq Lucid Dreaming by Therion Last album: 808's and Heartbreaks by Kanye West Top 5 most played songs: 1-"Edit" by Regina Spektor 2- "That Time" by Regina Spektor 3- "Paper Gangsta" by Lady Gaga 4- "Lady" by Regina Spektor 5- "Eet" by Regina Spektor First song that plays on shuffle: "Winter Solstice" by Mythic Search the following and state how many songs come up Death-323 Life-154 Love-485 Hate-49 Drugs-6 Sex-133

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Subject: The ínevitable Time: 05:13 am

Every year October-November is always the worst. In october of my eighth grade year my grandpa died. Almost a week or two later is when Tiffany was murdered. I hate it. I always get too depressed. That was the year I really lost my faith in God and humanity.

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November 2nd, 2009

Subject: Drunken Butterfly Time: 01:57 am

I need to expand my social circle. Half my friends never talk to me or reply to my messages. And the other half I more or less rely on too much. So my goal is to make friends and be more social.

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November 1st, 2009

Subject: All Hallows Time: 04:47 pm

Pretty uneventful Halloween. At like 10 I finally got drunk...with a bunch of high schoolers. They all drank maybe 3 beers. Me and Josh drank way more. I danced around to some electroshit. I still have 2 more days of work off. Hopefully I can get my chillage on with more people.

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October 30th, 2009

Subject: this and that Time: 03:47 am

Aside from work, I am feeling okay. My monthly bout of teen angst has passed. For this I am grateful.

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October 28th, 2009

Subject: Good Day Time: 01:57 am

I got a new phone. I am listening to Rainer Maria. I am over my spell of self-pity.

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October 26th, 2009

Subject: What's this? Oh yeah, the rantings of a little ass girl. Time: 03:54 am

I still often feel like I am 15 years old. That, really, I haven't matured any. I'm okay with where I am in life, and I feel like I shouldn't be. I work at fast food, I'm on probation, I'm constantly alone, I have no car. I am doing absolutely nothing with my life. There's a boy I like ... a boy who will probably remain unobtainable for my entire existance. He makes me want to better myself, and not a single fucking person in the world has made me want to change anything at all about myself. I'm such a horrible romantic. I'm such a little fucking girl. I wish I could find someway to get him to notice me more. To get him to give me a chance, or even a consideration. To show him I'm changed, that he won't fall into his old ways. I don't know. I get drunk too much. I'm probably going to try to start going to school this summer, once I'm off probation and can get loans. And yes, reading my entries is probably painful. I just write as things come to me. And I've never been very good at organization.

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October 19th, 2009

Subject: B... Time: 04:15 am

I am totally far gone. The Deer Hunter is AMAZING. I am glad to be on this sonic venture with some pretty excellent people.

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October 17th, 2009

Subject: The Ramblings Of A Drunk. Time: 01:06 am

Josh is fucked up somewhere, Colin and Korin are sleeping, the neighbor went to Charlotte, and Jeff had to stay at his house. I am sitting in the dark, ITunes on shuffle, drinking Jim Beam. This is all.

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October 13th, 2009

Subject: Fuck you! Time: 03:33 am

I am tired of being constantly stood up and ignored. So listen up everybody: THE BITCH IS BACK!

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October 11th, 2009

Subject: Man Time: 04:44 pm

I am just assuming, at this point, despite all my growth over the past 5 years, that I will never be anything other than jaded and alone.

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October 3rd, 2009

Time: 04:40 am

Have I given up? For the most part as usual. Is there a reason? Isn't there always?

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September 13th, 2009

Time: 04:09 am

I wish I wouldn't let things get to me so much. I have such a terrible tendency to be a fucking drama queen and it pushes everyone. I really hope I didn't fuck up my friendship with Jeff. That would really kill me because he is a great person and friend.

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